Nice guys finish last...But do Ladies?

How do ladies do it? I'm not just talking about any girl on the street, I'm talking about a real old fashioned lady. The tactfull woman who handles everything with grace and never shows too much skin. Someone that lives to help others and is never selfish, and always modest. I like to think of myself as a lady..most of the time. Maybe half a lady and half a teenager still. I swear way too much to be a lady and my eating habits could definitely use some work. The hardest thing I think about being a lady though? Being nice to people that don't deserve it. Being tactfull to a disrespectful girl is one of the hardest things to do. Is it lady like to act like she's just not there? Becuase that's all I can give right now. I haven't yelled at her but I talk about her behind her back occansionally. Maybe that will be my new year's resolution. Stop talking negatively about people. Really it only brings me down to their level and never makes me feel good about myself. Because of these untactful girls I have lost a great friend. I'm the least threatening woman I could think of, but I'm thought of as a potential homewrecker? I've never done such a thing, but I'm potrayed as one. I don't understand how someone could be so insecure in themselves, and in my opinion if you are THAT insecure about yourself your not ready for a relationship. Should I take it as a compliment that people are so threatened? No, I won't because like I said, a real lady is modest and is not selfish. I want to be the lady people strive to be. So I will be on a mission to buy a glamorous string of pearls and a little black dress, and strive to class up my attitude. I want to be a better person because no matter what people say the good guys get somewhere. I will be a classy but strong woman that knowks what she wants! Right now I am so lost and feel like my life is at a standstill...but if I can make myself feel better and take chances with my life I will go places.

Haywire

I'm sitting in my silence infested bedroom trying to read a book that I got from the library today. As I get to the second page I realize that I'm comprehending the book but I'm not giving it my full attention. Then it got me thinking about how some silence can be so loud. Everyone has heard that line in a book or a song most likely before, but it has never been so tangible until now. I'm trying to enjoy this book and as I'm reading I'm almost having another conversation in the back of my head. I have seriously never heard silence quite so loud before. There is a fan across the room yelling into my ear and the the blinding florescent light is buzzing it's way into my nerves. Maybe I'm realizing these things because the this book describes silence in the first six pages. It has made me more perceptible to the minuscule pops of sound around me. It almost makes me timid. As if I'm wanting quite so profoundly but I'm too shy to ask for it to shut up. Although the real question is: How do you ask silence to be...well silent? It's the big elephant in the room that everyone who has experienced has thought about, I assume. I feel like my senses have exploded in the last few minutes. Everything is harshly bright. I can smell the harsh air conditioning invading my room. Even air itself is flowing over my skin, as waves of Arctic chill trickle down my spine, begging my comforter for warmth. My mind is out of control tonight.I'm thinking too deeply about everything. Now I just need to make the decision to embrace this insanity or just drift off to sleep...

Stupid Jeans

I'm worried I'm getting fat...I'm pretty damn voluptuous now but I'm afraid I'm gaining more weight! I feel skinnier but that has to be my confidence talking.

There is just this one pair of jeans in my closet. I've had them forever and sometimes I fit in them and sometimes I don't, but this time (when I don't fit in them) it's really bothering me. I know what I need to do, that's self explanatory. I need to work out. Although that's easier said than done. I have class until 5:45 two days a week and I don't even have to be on campus the other two days, then Friday is my day I get out at 12:50 and who wants to work out on Fridays! This is just my ultra procrastinating self talking here but goodness all I want to do is sit around haha I just don't want to gain more weight than I am right now. I'm perfectly happy with myself and I've never felt better for myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't worry about getting fatter...

As much as I love being a voluptuous girl, the life of one sucks occasionally

Voloptuous and Proud!

Can I just tell everyone how nice it is to aspire to be someone that is a real size. Adele is such an inspiration to girls everywhere I feel. I'm not looking at the kind of clothes that I wish I could fit into as often. I love the way I look, and I'm not afraid to sound cocky. It just feels amazing to be able to eat a cookie or a hamburger and not worry that I have to be fat for one more day. And it feels wonderful to not have to contemplate starving myself to look beautiful.  Because I honestly don't feel like I'm fat anymore. Granted I'm probably the biggest I've ever been, but I'm the most comfortable with my body that I have EVER been in my life. I feel beautiful more days than not, and I'm not sure if it's just the people I'm surrounding myself with or if I'm just maturing in a way that I never thought could happen. This amazing woman has sung her way into so many ladies hearts (skinny and voloptuous) and she does it with the upmost class I've seen. In my opinion she is the Audrey Hepburn of our generation. Her music is absolutely moving and from what I can tell from her videos she has some amazing grace and a wonderful heart. If there was a way to be her friend I would absolutely try my hardest for her to like me. She is talented in every single way. THIS girl is what I look up to and admire.

Where do I even start? (Rantings)

Dear Mr. Creep,

No, I do not want to sit by you while you embarrass yourself and me by being annoying to the whole class. I'm not a mean person but by your "no stereotype" persona your quick to judge, that by me wearing nice clothes it means I have no problems in the world. Do you need some glasses or do you just need to open your eyes? Stop trying to act more sophisticated than anyone else, I know it's just a joke. People who try to act sophisticated are just worried about what people think, not about actually learning. Although I appreciate your input in class, that does not mean I have to like you. I will give you the benefit of the doubt one more time, but I swear... If you interrupt me or verbally attack my work again... I won't be very happy. I am not morbid :/ and I'm sure your intelligent in your own way, but stop trying to shove your intellegent persona down my throat. Thank you.




Dear Mrs. History Teacher,

I understand that you get nervous during class, but your pacing around the room tires me out. History puts me to sleep faster than a baby anyways, but your excessive ways of exercising in class distracts me. I'm not trying to be rude but you need to tone it down.

I really wonder what your grade was in speech class. Taking speech while taking this class can be why I'm so biast about this subject. Although I don't think I'm wrong. Your lectures are sporadic, and I can't keep up. You go from one subject to another and when you stop a topic, instead of easing out of it, you comment with "so.." or "anyways...". This is AWKWARD. Have you ever heard of the term white noise? It's something radio stations hate because the listener gets bored easily and changes the channel. Well, I change the channel many times in this class. So please, take a speech class while your here, or practice in a mirror at home but for the sake of my grade.. do something different.

p.s. Another thing, I have 3 other VERY long classes besides yours, so NO I will not read your reading assignments you assign to us that are 50 pages long per week + the 4 articles on the web you want us to read. Your ridiculous.

Thank you

Thinking in Inspiration

I've been sitting in the library for about 2 hours now looking at inspiring quotes. Apparently it's my new hobby because that's all I seem to be doing.

I'm in a good place right now. I'm stressed just about everyday, but that IS the life of a college student and I have homework to get done. BUT it's amazing how at ease I feel with myself at this moment. That's what I love about reading quotes because it reminds you that no one is living your life but YOURSELF, and you can do whatever the hell you want. So what is stopping us? This is my new perspective on things, what I want to live by. I feel like every single person I look up to has not gotten where they are by staying in the tightly sealed box that society expects us to live in. They are creative and thing OUTSIDE this box.

My perspective on things has changed since I've come back to college. First things first is I don't have a crush on any specific guy, which means that I'm not out to impress anyone. I get up every morning and think about how I want to look that day. If it's no make up and sweat pants, so be it! I'm not looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with right now, I'm too ambitious for that. It's so relieving that I can't really put it into creative words. It's just simple. I'm making myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. Another thing I'm trying to work on is figuring out what I want to go to school for. I've been considering taking a semester off or maybe I just need to explore my options a little more closely! It's either makeup or writing, so there isn't really a big range of decisions there. Even though the ultimate decision is the catch.

Another thing I want to do is explore different religions. What's the harm in that? I need to work at what makes me happy and if I can find a religion that doesn't base it's beliefs with judgements then I'll be headed towards the right direction.

Today I feel like I'm getting a fresh start. And who knows, tomorrow I may backtrack, but right now I'm going to enjoy this feeling of being free. I'm ready to work towards my happiness because one of the quotes I read today was

"Happiness is not a destination, it's a way of life."

MOVE IN SUCCESS!

Moved into my apartment! It's pretty awesome. I have my own closet and the bathroom is in the room. Everyone else here seems to be very nice. I can't decide if I want to read my speech book or take a nap because moving in took a lot of energy out of me! One of the coolest things about the apartment? It has an accent wall. :) Then there are sliding glass doors (that don't ACTUALLY slide) so they are more like picture windows. It's pretty neat. I didn't have to bring much at all, the cabinets are full of dishes and they have decorations. It's pretty awesome. The only thing I really need to get is a lamp, apparently the people who designed this apartment only thought that the kitchen and bathrooms needed overhead lighting... So I'm off to Gordmans in the next week to get a kick ass lamp and possibly a picture frame so my Marilyn Monroe picture looks better than hanging there by tacks. Although it feels like a weekend, I still have 2 classes tomorrow..blah! Oh well, after classes are out I'm home bound to go camping with Dad! It's going to be a weekend FULL of campfire food, fishing, and soaking up the sun! and for me it's also for studying...but I'm pretty sure I did that last year there too. Oh the joys of college!

Mystery or Game?

Sometimes I don't see how it's natural for girls and guys to be attracted to each other. We are so different in a way that I feel like we mind as well be a completely different species. The thinking patterns have got to be on two different levels. Guys are not on girls levels, just as much as girls aren't on guys. I don't understand a guys view on things, as much as I wish I could.

So why is it that the opposite sex is so attracted to each other other than it being completely sexual? Did we make up this emotion that we call love? Or is it real? Or do we psyche ourselves out with the unrealistic view of a "happily ever after"? It makes sense to me why some people like the same sex, they get each other. Although I AM attracted to the opposite sex, doesn't mean it's any more understandable. Is it the mystery or the game that's played? Personally, I'm not fond of the games...so it must be the mystery.

IT'S FINALLY FINISHED!

I finally finished my poem! I'll most likely put it up after everyone bleeds all over their copies in creative writing. Next time my goal is to write directly after class while my creative juices are still flowing. Hopefully that was the culprit to me being a soul sucking monster last night and yelling at everyone in site. Right now though, I'm tired and I have shit to get done. So until next time!

Proud to be a Righty

My creative writing teacher told us yesterday that writer's are not necessarily smart people. In my case I think it's true. I'm not saying that I'm stupid or unintelligent, I'm just not this extremely impressive girl that knows everything. I think with the right side of my brain. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm ditsy. The only kind of math problem I can do in my head is 2+2 and when it comes to thinking logically I always tend to do things the hard way. I get so frustrated with myself because it seems like with society today, if you aren't mathematically or scientifically intelligent, then you don't have that "thing" people are looking for.

But what I can offer to this world is passion. I feel things so vividly that it's almost incomprehensible sometimes. I feel like the world is too serious and that most people don't take the time to enjoy their life. They think they have to abide by society's rules: Go to school, Go to college, Get married, and have kids. But I think life is so much more than that. I feel like life is about going to the beach and enjoying the view that has been there more billions of years. I feel like it's about getting to know yourself as a person and the journey to find out who you are. I feel life is about that moment when you are with your friends and you feel that it is exactly where your suppose to be. It's about living in New York for a year just to see what it would be like or traveling the world just to get a better idea of where your suppose to be.Of coarse this is my life I'm talking about, but you get the idea.

I'm also a dreamer. I think about how something is going to happen long before it actually does. Although most of the time I set my expectations high, I think it's fun and something that I can't stop (I've tried). But the more I think about it, the more I don't want to change it. It's what keeps me entertained 99% of the time. Eventually I think it is what will keep other people entertained because I intend on using it to my advantage career wise. I feel like dreamers are a dying breed, or at least I just haven't met many of them yet. On the other hand it's a good thing that there are a select few because no one would hardly get anything done.
Although the right side of the brain isn't the smartest place to be, I'm happy being a righty!

zzzzzzz

I. Am. Tired.

I'm tired of trying to sound intellegent. I'm tired of not feeling like anyone has my back when I try my damndest to have theirs. I'm tired of exposing my vulnerability to people that don't deserve more than a glance thier way. I'm done with worrying about if someone thinks I'm ungrateful for what I have, or things I'm too hard headed and cold to know what they are going through. Frankly, I could care less if you don't want my opinion. If you don't want my honesty DON'T ask me then, scratch that, don't even tell me your porblems, because I'll give you my "two cents" anyways.

This year I have tried so hard to be a carefree girl that is also compassionate about her freinds and future. But what's more important? Compassion about friends or compassion about your future? I want to equal them both out but it seems impossible. expensive. and exhausting. I'm exhausted! I literally can sleep over 13 hours a day! When I start thinking about hanging out with people it tires me even more. Sometimes I just want to be locked away for few days with out someone bitching at me to clean a fucking room, drive my gasless car to see them, or tell me about thier always dramatic problems.

I'm pretty f'ing sick of worrying about everything. When will I stop being a low life and get a freaking job? Why is it so fucking expensive to live on my own? What am I going to do with a college that doesn't give a rats ass about where I'm going to end up in the next 10 years? And who cares about all this in my life but me? WHY do I bust my ass to be a good person, someone that is always there, but when I'm in the same situation, noone is in sight or in texting distance to listen? Am I so crazy to think that SOMEONE should actually care if I'm ready to rip my hair out or not? I just want someone to come to me for a change and hang out with me just because they wanted to. But that is just too much to ask. I act awkward around everyone anymore because I dont know how to be around anyone. I don't know if something I say is going to hurt their feelings and if it does then I usually don't care too much. I hate goodbyes, I've never felt so awkward saying a phrase in my life. Why say it? If you want to see me again you will.

I'm exhausted with feeling like I need someone to be with one minute, then thinking I can triumph the world on my own the next. I'm on that line of being a strong woman and being a cold harded bitch and let me tell you, that line gets blurrier by the minute. I'm turning cold because as compassionate as I want to be...it's aparently a one way street. And driving down a road with no one to pass can get really lonely sometimes. I'm tired of trying to make sense. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of feeling hurt and used and sometimes nothing at all. I don't hate myself, in fact I'm pretty comfortable with how I AM. but as for other people, I'm going to be this weird person that has passed through there lives. And as strong as I am I will get out of this rut and I will get my energy back, but at the end of it all I'm still going to be the wierd freind that no one will ever really understand. I'm okay with that because the wierder the people the farther in life they get. My uniqueness is going to take me places that no one will ever think. But right now...I'm tired. Too tired to get on a rant about how I'm going to make it out in the world, or try to justify it to myself. Right now...I'm too tired to even use spell check or care to read through this to make sure it makes sense, bc I don't care.

What the Hell!

Is my life really that uninteresting!? Why doesn't anyone follow me...hello! I don't necessarily like talking to myself. Should I just shoot my dreams now of being an author?

Some deep shit ( horrible grammar bc I did this on the iPhone. )

I read so many facebook updates about god here lately. Has everyone became openly religious all of a sudden? Or is it fear of not having God's acceptance? I believe in religion as well as God. But I am not so blind to see that God can't be perceived in different ways. I HIGHLY believe in having hope and faith for something greater. I think it's wonderful that people remain so faithful and kind.

What I don't understand is the hate and self righteousness that comes with religion. Believing in God is suppose to be this wonderful thing but it's masked by hate and by being suffocated by standards that are so high they can never truly be met. No one excepts another for many different reasons. But it all comes back to two things selfishness and self rightcheousness. Some People may think " god loves me more because I go to church" and that gives them the narcissistic views of themselves. But does hating most of gods children and making their lives miserable please HIM. maybe it pleases your god but not mine.

This is my visiOn of God. I don't think he could hurt a fly. We are all here for a reason but we are here with free will. We make our choices which our lives revolve around the consequences. There might be a hell also. I just can't imagine something that is so wonderful, being so awful.

Now 2012 is coming up VERY fast and it's freaking me out, along with everyone else. The mayans ( I think) predicted the world was going to end. This could in fact be true. But I still don't believe that god is going to cone down and tell certain people that they aren't worthy of his love.I think he would understand how harsh this world is and how uninviting even his most avid worshiper can be. I believe that if this world is to end on 2012... It's because we destroyed it And ourselves along with it. Maybe I sound like a hipie, but is it so wrong to believe in a love that great or a hate so strong that we could petentually destroy ourselves?

The Ukulele

In just a few weeks I will learn to play the ukulele :) I'm pretty damn excited!

Faerie Tales

Have you ever pictured something turning out to be wonderful, but then come to find out it's mediocre? It happens to me quite a bit. You could call me an extremist in the daydreaming category. I'm concerned, really. It seems as if I live in another world entirely. When I walk to school I barely remember how I got there because I was off in my idyllic world, only coming out to tread through my usual routine during the day. Wake up. Class. Eat. Sleep. I used to blame it on being creative. I would say "I'm a creative writer that's how my brain works!" Although now, I'm starting to wonder if it is ,in fact, ignorance that runs my other world. I day dream to get away from the world when it's too much to handle. What happens when the bad out weighs the good? Will I get stuck in my dreams forever?

Does this make me an idiot?

I want people to think of me and have the word intelligent following close behind. At this I completely fail. When someone thinks of me it's "oh that bigger girl," or "she is funny" or the word ditsy is riding right along with my name. It's not exactly the word I want to be associated with. How do I stop being ditsy and start being intelligent? That's my dilemma. How can I "be myself" and set a good impression of myself also?

Also, how do I get ANYWHERE in my life when I don't take action and do it? I think of these wonderful things I would like to do and it never gets done. "Something" always gets in the way, and by something I mean my excuses. This is how people end up staying in Southern Indiana and that can't be my future.

Do I need to wake up? If not, how do I put my intertwine my world with the real world?

Indian Winter

I feel the cool breeze on my skin, and smell the dew in the air as the sun sets and memories flood through my head. Memories from years ago, feeling like they were just yesterday. All I can do is smile. These memories bring the feeling that I've been missing so much. I feel as if some huge winter weight is just lifted off of my shoulders taking all of my mysteriously negative feelings with it. The only thing that would make tonight any better would be a clear sky. It's day's like this that I look forward too. The days like this make me know that something good will always come.
I feel as if I'm going to bust out of my skin. I'm starting to get so much that I have ever wanted. Great friends, great style and I'm starting my endless array of travelling! Starting at Washington D.C.  Even though there is a lot of stupid shit going on right now, at this moment all I can think about is good things :)

Nightly thoughts

She sits and wonders how things would have been. How different her life would have been if... Reminising on the past and wishing to see so many people again. She's losing her touch, dwindling away her happiness with bitterness and regret. Wishing things that will never come to her, if she never takes down her walls. She's not hopeless, she's filled with so much hope and faith that heaven is practically within her sight. But what she is, is scared. She's scared to become that woman, with lines of bitterness and sadness marking her face. The woman who's smile is at the best, a grimace. She's afraid of being left and thrown into the world that darkness is so much apart of. She searches for light, for that time where she can open up her windows and let the cool breeze wash her worries away. She searches for that smile that she can feel deep within and that love that brings the joy she so often desires. Love. It's what she desires most of all. Love for her career, love for the wonderful people that surround her in life, and the desired love for a family she never knew she wanted. But the fear comes crashing back. Because with that desire comes her worst fear, being alone. She is so scared of being alone that she blocks off anyone that wants in with her brittle looking walls of pride and dignity. She leaves them long before they can leave her, but she knows that's not healthy. She's frozen in a world that goes on day by day with no progress, feeling failure sneaking closer and closer. As much as she tries to force it away for the sake of an acking heart, she knows what the answer is, love. As the Beatles said it best " All you need is love" and call her a hopeless romantic but she knows that's what is true. With a nervous flutter in her stomach and every muscle in her body screaming "run" she takes a chance. Bringing down the wall brick by brick, and with every brick there comes a risk of getting hurt. She is no longer comfortable or content. But as she was told by a powerful man with a voice like thunder " Being comfortable will get you nowhere."

Why am I still in Indiana?

I sit here in a completely sour mood wondering why I'm still living in Indiana, with it's unecessarily unpredictible weather and the cowboy boots and boys who chew tobacco. There is nothing here that interests me. I am such a simple person but here I feel so conflicted? I'm sure it's not just Indiana, but if my optimism is tied to the sun like it seems to be, can I live in such a dreary place? Where all there is for 6 months are clouded skies that promise ice and cold? I think of my ambitions that I have and realize, there is nothing I can accomplish here. The only thing I can think that is good for Indiana is starting a family, getting a mediocre job and marrying a coalminer. At least that's all I see. I want a place where I can open up the windows everyday and let the sun shine in. I want the winters to feel like spring. I want the inspiration that comes with the sunset and star gazing every night. I want to meet an amazing intellegent guy with a good heart and amazing dreams and ambitions like I have. I feel like I'm asking for too much but I don't think that's too many things to make me happy. I like to think I'm simple. I want to struggle for something I love, to appreciate every bit of it. I want to live my life for ME.

I ask myself why I just don't get a one way plane ticket and just move away from everything and start my new life. Start everything fresh. Then it's days like these where I feel my worst, the days are as dreary as ever and I don't even want to get out of bed. Then here comes barging in my friends, obliviously lifting up my spirits. The people I can't live without no matter the miles. The ones I can always count on. They might not always be beside me but they will always be with me in one way, near the vecinity of the cavity where my heart is.  They are my everything, from my old friends, college friends, new baby brother, and my family members that have been there for everything. Even though I will be living hours and hours away from you, doesn't mean we will lose distance between our hearts. You guys are my everything, your the reason I can get through all the tough shit. And when I'm opening up my windows to the sunny warm skies and feel the sun on my skin I'll think of you, and how I would have never gotten there without you.

I'm usually not this conflicted...It's been one hell of a week

   Words catch in my throat as I sit here next to you. Feelings trying to climb their way out of my mouth. I'm frozen. The only thing I can think of is to prepare myself for the emotional blow your about to give me. The same old thing. I bring up by walls and will my tear ducts to fail. I clutch the arm of the chair to hold on, an endless struggle to keep from walking away from it all. From him.
   He knows something is wrong. I can feel it from the tension, almost tangible, in the air. My head screams at him to make me tell him, but my eyes beg him not to.
   He grasps my hand in his, willing me to let him in, to let go. But I know whats coming, it always happens, the rejection with no back up. Just simply "no" and your gone, just like the others. Leaving me with a wounded heart and a broken self esteem, although I'd never admit it.
   You take a deep breath to start your excuses, but my feeble heart can't take anymore. I stand up and walk towards the door. You sit there startled, your practiced excuse interrupted. And as I turn around and say goodbye, I want you to come and save me from myself. But you won't.


I wrote this a few days ago in a sad attempt to stop myself from becoming too attached. I gave myself a reminder of how it always ends...and yet again it became true. I feel like I give as much as I can without getting hurt. Do I bring this on myself? Most likely, but when it happens time and time again, how do you not expect it. I've never been one to seem affectionate, I keep that bottled up inside. I notice this now because with him, I wanted to be passionate, to grow but I seem to never be able to keep that feeling alive. Now I wake up knowing that I'm lonely which is a horrible feeling. All my ways of moving on have failed tremendously. That's what got me in this situation in the first place.

The truth about forever

I might not be the prettiest girl
but one day you'll need me
and I won't be here
to pick up the pieces.

I can only wait for you
for so long
until I pack up my pride and leave
The pride that I have left anyway...

You  can shoot me down so many times
until I'm gone
breathless and heartless
seeping wounds of your lies.

You'll come crawling back to me
the blood stained hands and sympathy laced tears
begging to put you back together
but I owe you nothing.

Runaway

Here I am, with regret running down my face and confusion pounding through my head. I feel lost, scared, terrified, you name it. Your my phobia. I'm scared to tell you the truth, to tell you how I really feel because you'll leave, they always leave. My heart races every time I think of us and I panic. I'm not used to a feeling like this. What "this" is, I have yet to find out. My mind wants to shut down and shut you out for good. Although you always ease your way back in. Why should I feel threatened? If I'm such the independent woman I like to believe I am, why do I want you next to me?

Raw emotions peel me back layer by layer. Would it hurt less if I just ripped you off like a band-aid? Stopped everything before I get hurt? It has been successful before. I run until you can't find me anymore, completely out of existence and out of your life. I'll just save you from the guilt that you'll have when you tell me your gone. Let me leave first.

I stretch my muscles and get ready for the race. I'll run as fast as I can away from you. With every stretch I feel relief, I'll have no one to impress. No one to worry if they think of me as much as I do of them. I stretch out the worries of wondering what we are and where we're going. I crouch down ready to bolt away from any feeling I've had for you. But the gun never goes off, and as I look around in confusion of why I'm being delayed I see you. You have the gun. Why do you keep coming back? Throw the gun away or pull the trigger, so you can stop wasting my time. If your going to leave then do it now, because I seem to be running in the wrong direction.