Words catch in my throat as I sit here next to you. Feelings trying to climb their way out of my mouth. I'm frozen. The only thing I can think of is to prepare myself for the emotional blow your about to give me. The same old thing. I bring up by walls and will my tear ducts to fail. I clutch the arm of the chair to hold on, an endless struggle to keep from walking away from it all. From him.
He knows something is wrong. I can feel it from the tension, almost tangible, in the air. My head screams at him to make me tell him, but my eyes beg him not to.
He grasps my hand in his, willing me to let him in, to let go. But I know whats coming, it always happens, the rejection with no back up. Just simply "no" and your gone, just like the others. Leaving me with a wounded heart and a broken self esteem, although I'd never admit it.
You take a deep breath to start your excuses, but my feeble heart can't take anymore. I stand up and walk towards the door. You sit there startled, your practiced excuse interrupted. And as I turn around and say goodbye, I want you to come and save me from myself. But you won't.
I wrote this a few days ago in a sad attempt to stop myself from becoming too attached. I gave myself a reminder of how it always ends...and yet again it became true. I feel like I give as much as I can without getting hurt. Do I bring this on myself? Most likely, but when it happens time and time again, how do you not expect it. I've never been one to seem affectionate, I keep that bottled up inside. I notice this now because with him, I wanted to be passionate, to grow but I seem to never be able to keep that feeling alive. Now I wake up knowing that I'm lonely which is a horrible feeling. All my ways of moving on have failed tremendously. That's what got me in this situation in the first place.
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