Indian Winter

I feel the cool breeze on my skin, and smell the dew in the air as the sun sets and memories flood through my head. Memories from years ago, feeling like they were just yesterday. All I can do is smile. These memories bring the feeling that I've been missing so much. I feel as if some huge winter weight is just lifted off of my shoulders taking all of my mysteriously negative feelings with it. The only thing that would make tonight any better would be a clear sky. It's day's like this that I look forward too. The days like this make me know that something good will always come.
I feel as if I'm going to bust out of my skin. I'm starting to get so much that I have ever wanted. Great friends, great style and I'm starting my endless array of travelling! Starting at Washington D.C.  Even though there is a lot of stupid shit going on right now, at this moment all I can think about is good things :)

Nightly thoughts

She sits and wonders how things would have been. How different her life would have been if... Reminising on the past and wishing to see so many people again. She's losing her touch, dwindling away her happiness with bitterness and regret. Wishing things that will never come to her, if she never takes down her walls. She's not hopeless, she's filled with so much hope and faith that heaven is practically within her sight. But what she is, is scared. She's scared to become that woman, with lines of bitterness and sadness marking her face. The woman who's smile is at the best, a grimace. She's afraid of being left and thrown into the world that darkness is so much apart of. She searches for light, for that time where she can open up her windows and let the cool breeze wash her worries away. She searches for that smile that she can feel deep within and that love that brings the joy she so often desires. Love. It's what she desires most of all. Love for her career, love for the wonderful people that surround her in life, and the desired love for a family she never knew she wanted. But the fear comes crashing back. Because with that desire comes her worst fear, being alone. She is so scared of being alone that she blocks off anyone that wants in with her brittle looking walls of pride and dignity. She leaves them long before they can leave her, but she knows that's not healthy. She's frozen in a world that goes on day by day with no progress, feeling failure sneaking closer and closer. As much as she tries to force it away for the sake of an acking heart, she knows what the answer is, love. As the Beatles said it best " All you need is love" and call her a hopeless romantic but she knows that's what is true. With a nervous flutter in her stomach and every muscle in her body screaming "run" she takes a chance. Bringing down the wall brick by brick, and with every brick there comes a risk of getting hurt. She is no longer comfortable or content. But as she was told by a powerful man with a voice like thunder " Being comfortable will get you nowhere."

Why am I still in Indiana?

I sit here in a completely sour mood wondering why I'm still living in Indiana, with it's unecessarily unpredictible weather and the cowboy boots and boys who chew tobacco. There is nothing here that interests me. I am such a simple person but here I feel so conflicted? I'm sure it's not just Indiana, but if my optimism is tied to the sun like it seems to be, can I live in such a dreary place? Where all there is for 6 months are clouded skies that promise ice and cold? I think of my ambitions that I have and realize, there is nothing I can accomplish here. The only thing I can think that is good for Indiana is starting a family, getting a mediocre job and marrying a coalminer. At least that's all I see. I want a place where I can open up the windows everyday and let the sun shine in. I want the winters to feel like spring. I want the inspiration that comes with the sunset and star gazing every night. I want to meet an amazing intellegent guy with a good heart and amazing dreams and ambitions like I have. I feel like I'm asking for too much but I don't think that's too many things to make me happy. I like to think I'm simple. I want to struggle for something I love, to appreciate every bit of it. I want to live my life for ME.

I ask myself why I just don't get a one way plane ticket and just move away from everything and start my new life. Start everything fresh. Then it's days like these where I feel my worst, the days are as dreary as ever and I don't even want to get out of bed. Then here comes barging in my friends, obliviously lifting up my spirits. The people I can't live without no matter the miles. The ones I can always count on. They might not always be beside me but they will always be with me in one way, near the vecinity of the cavity where my heart is.  They are my everything, from my old friends, college friends, new baby brother, and my family members that have been there for everything. Even though I will be living hours and hours away from you, doesn't mean we will lose distance between our hearts. You guys are my everything, your the reason I can get through all the tough shit. And when I'm opening up my windows to the sunny warm skies and feel the sun on my skin I'll think of you, and how I would have never gotten there without you.

I'm usually not this conflicted...It's been one hell of a week

   Words catch in my throat as I sit here next to you. Feelings trying to climb their way out of my mouth. I'm frozen. The only thing I can think of is to prepare myself for the emotional blow your about to give me. The same old thing. I bring up by walls and will my tear ducts to fail. I clutch the arm of the chair to hold on, an endless struggle to keep from walking away from it all. From him.
   He knows something is wrong. I can feel it from the tension, almost tangible, in the air. My head screams at him to make me tell him, but my eyes beg him not to.
   He grasps my hand in his, willing me to let him in, to let go. But I know whats coming, it always happens, the rejection with no back up. Just simply "no" and your gone, just like the others. Leaving me with a wounded heart and a broken self esteem, although I'd never admit it.
   You take a deep breath to start your excuses, but my feeble heart can't take anymore. I stand up and walk towards the door. You sit there startled, your practiced excuse interrupted. And as I turn around and say goodbye, I want you to come and save me from myself. But you won't.


I wrote this a few days ago in a sad attempt to stop myself from becoming too attached. I gave myself a reminder of how it always ends...and yet again it became true. I feel like I give as much as I can without getting hurt. Do I bring this on myself? Most likely, but when it happens time and time again, how do you not expect it. I've never been one to seem affectionate, I keep that bottled up inside. I notice this now because with him, I wanted to be passionate, to grow but I seem to never be able to keep that feeling alive. Now I wake up knowing that I'm lonely which is a horrible feeling. All my ways of moving on have failed tremendously. That's what got me in this situation in the first place.

The truth about forever

I might not be the prettiest girl
but one day you'll need me
and I won't be here
to pick up the pieces.

I can only wait for you
for so long
until I pack up my pride and leave
The pride that I have left anyway...

You  can shoot me down so many times
until I'm gone
breathless and heartless
seeping wounds of your lies.

You'll come crawling back to me
the blood stained hands and sympathy laced tears
begging to put you back together
but I owe you nothing.

Runaway

Here I am, with regret running down my face and confusion pounding through my head. I feel lost, scared, terrified, you name it. Your my phobia. I'm scared to tell you the truth, to tell you how I really feel because you'll leave, they always leave. My heart races every time I think of us and I panic. I'm not used to a feeling like this. What "this" is, I have yet to find out. My mind wants to shut down and shut you out for good. Although you always ease your way back in. Why should I feel threatened? If I'm such the independent woman I like to believe I am, why do I want you next to me?

Raw emotions peel me back layer by layer. Would it hurt less if I just ripped you off like a band-aid? Stopped everything before I get hurt? It has been successful before. I run until you can't find me anymore, completely out of existence and out of your life. I'll just save you from the guilt that you'll have when you tell me your gone. Let me leave first.

I stretch my muscles and get ready for the race. I'll run as fast as I can away from you. With every stretch I feel relief, I'll have no one to impress. No one to worry if they think of me as much as I do of them. I stretch out the worries of wondering what we are and where we're going. I crouch down ready to bolt away from any feeling I've had for you. But the gun never goes off, and as I look around in confusion of why I'm being delayed I see you. You have the gun. Why do you keep coming back? Throw the gun away or pull the trigger, so you can stop wasting my time. If your going to leave then do it now, because I seem to be running in the wrong direction.