I. Am. Tired.
I'm tired of trying to sound intellegent. I'm tired of not feeling like anyone has my back when I try my damndest to have theirs. I'm tired of exposing my vulnerability to people that don't deserve more than a glance thier way. I'm done with worrying about if someone thinks I'm ungrateful for what I have, or things I'm too hard headed and cold to know what they are going through. Frankly, I could care less if you don't want my opinion. If you don't want my honesty DON'T ask me then, scratch that, don't even tell me your porblems, because I'll give you my "two cents" anyways.
This year I have tried so hard to be a carefree girl that is also compassionate about her freinds and future. But what's more important? Compassion about friends or compassion about your future? I want to equal them both out but it seems impossible. expensive. and exhausting. I'm exhausted! I literally can sleep over 13 hours a day! When I start thinking about hanging out with people it tires me even more. Sometimes I just want to be locked away for few days with out someone bitching at me to clean a fucking room, drive my gasless car to see them, or tell me about thier always dramatic problems.
I'm pretty f'ing sick of worrying about everything. When will I stop being a low life and get a freaking job? Why is it so fucking expensive to live on my own? What am I going to do with a college that doesn't give a rats ass about where I'm going to end up in the next 10 years? And who cares about all this in my life but me? WHY do I bust my ass to be a good person, someone that is always there, but when I'm in the same situation, noone is in sight or in texting distance to listen? Am I so crazy to think that SOMEONE should actually care if I'm ready to rip my hair out or not? I just want someone to come to me for a change and hang out with me just because they wanted to. But that is just too much to ask. I act awkward around everyone anymore because I dont know how to be around anyone. I don't know if something I say is going to hurt their feelings and if it does then I usually don't care too much. I hate goodbyes, I've never felt so awkward saying a phrase in my life. Why say it? If you want to see me again you will.
I'm exhausted with feeling like I need someone to be with one minute, then thinking I can triumph the world on my own the next. I'm on that line of being a strong woman and being a cold harded bitch and let me tell you, that line gets blurrier by the minute. I'm turning cold because as compassionate as I want to be...it's aparently a one way street. And driving down a road with no one to pass can get really lonely sometimes. I'm tired of trying to make sense. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of feeling hurt and used and sometimes nothing at all. I don't hate myself, in fact I'm pretty comfortable with how I AM. but as for other people, I'm going to be this weird person that has passed through there lives. And as strong as I am I will get out of this rut and I will get my energy back, but at the end of it all I'm still going to be the wierd freind that no one will ever really understand. I'm okay with that because the wierder the people the farther in life they get. My uniqueness is going to take me places that no one will ever think. But right now...I'm tired. Too tired to get on a rant about how I'm going to make it out in the world, or try to justify it to myself. Right now...I'm too tired to even use spell check or care to read through this to make sure it makes sense, bc I don't care.
